… but if I’m cuter than your girlfriend, we have better sex than you and your girlfriend, and you all around like hanging out with me, why am I not your girlfriend?
It’s after midnight and my phone just rang. It was the Bartender. He wasn’t drunk, but in the neighborhood and wanted to know what I was up to i.e. come over and make-a the sexytime. I told him it wasn’t a good time and he immediately assumed I had a guy over, to which I chuckled and explained it was simply that time of the month, we talked for a bit, I promised to come by the bar soon and we hung up.
Naturally this all lead to a round of late night Facebook stalking where I was inundated with mobile uploads and photobooth pictures of him and the “girl of his dreams,” which only reminded me that she looks like a knock off version of me and please bitch photobooths are my things. I’m completely confident that I am the superior choice, yet somehow in his eyes I’m not. It’s almost soul crushing when I actually think about the amount of guys who have repeated this cycle with me.
The Bartender and I have amazing sex, but he’s not at all my type, in fact he is the farthest outlier of any guy I’ve ever been with. He’s short and stocky, awkward in a way that’s actually slightly offputting, stutters when he is nervous and honestly I was creeped out when he first came onto me. Somehow I overcame my initial repulsion (not at all because I’m constantly unhealthily seeking affection or anything) and let things progress only to be quite pleasantly surprised in more ways than one and the feeling was clearly mutual.
Cut to present day: The sex is still great for him, and he keeps coming back, and I keep saying yes clearly because I am emotionally damaged and seek physical attention. But what about me? Something isn’t clicking for me anymore you guys. I mean aside from Long Island, I haven’t had good sex in so long, and even with him, things changed recently. It’s like once I realize I’ll never be enough for the guy, my heart just separates itself and is letting my body go through the motions.
Man sex used to be so fun, is this what being a grown up feels like?